Clearing: Building a space

Winter Writing Challenge, day #5 2023

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi

I am constantly stripping. It's a full time, overtime unpaid job for me. Never ending. Why?

I started down this journey to be lighter and free. Living in hope of this feeling. Knowing that life is meant to be experienced without limitations. To be enjoyed. 

Instead, it has been a life of deep dark excavating. The fight, the torment, the pain. All leading to sadness, weakness, loneliness, and helplessness. 

Allowing for it to come up and out
Allowing it a voice 
Allowing it to breathe
Moving it through me and out of me
You feel the possibility of lightness. And you are back, that feeling that you know, you've always known is unnecessary 
You move through it again
You try. You don't stop trying
You excel at being the tryer
Is it worth it?
Has it been worth it?
Some days
but...how does one do this?
There are so many methods, so many possibilities
Choices
Which one and within that, how again?

I used to feel guilty for one of the ways not working out for me or something not feeling quite right but in the end it isn't necessarily about that thing/ way lasting for a lifetime. It's okay that it doesn't. If it did, maybe we wouldn't have found the next thing or the thing after that. Perhaps comparable to relationships in some ways?

Do that thing that scares you into complete meltdown
Do it slowly
Do it once every 6 months if thats how your nervous system currently copes
Be the lover, mother, sinner for yourself
Eat the indulgent food and that glass of wine but be conscious of it. Sit with the why - before, during or after but sit with it and you will find your way
You'll keep finding your way. One step after the other
and you'll more than likely go through hell and heavily question WTF you have put yourself through but you'll keep going for your perfect 'illusion' of freedom
Try all the tricks, all the habits
Keep moving, keep smiling to create all the space
It will all slot into place when you are in a place to open and ready to receive.

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(For my Flow Dance family: 1 dance after the other)

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